This above all: To thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man. ~ William Shakespeare ~
The above quote has resonated with me ever since the first time I saw Hamlet when I was about ten years old. Back then, I had no idea of who I was, and that has remained the status quo for much of my life. I’ve always tried to be what I thought everyone else expected me to be.
Of course, that hasn’t worked out too well. It becomes a game of constantly reinventing oneself. You have to remember who you are when you are with so and so, and who you are when you’re not, and when you’re alone, you’re just tired.
I think I identify as…tired.
Hannah Gadsby ~ Nanette
When Comedienne Hannah Gadsby revealed that little nugget of her truth in her Netflix special, I practically burst into tears. It is a beautiful thing about comedy that the very thing that makes it funny, ie truth is the very thing that gives some comedy the ability to smack you in the ear and make you sit up and take notice.
That entire special did exactly that.
It was one more piece in this puzzle that is my journey.
This blog has undergone some changes recently. A change of theme, a change of name, a change of direction in some ways. All of it reflecting the same changes taking place in the life of its author — me.
Today, I saw this cycle in action first-hand. It’s called giving to receive, karma, what goes around comes around, and sometimes, the law of attraction, but whatever you call it, I believe in it, and I believe it has immediate and constant effect in my life.
Today, started out as my housekeeping day. I had to get some things tidied away after my recent 23 days away with pet sitting, and I wanted to do some prep for a new tutoring client I am seeing tomorrow afternoon, as well as get things ready for a pet transport tomorrow. When did my life get so busy? (More on that in another post).
So, with my mental to-do list in mind, I sat at my computer to start my first task. prep for tutoring. Oh…that’s right, I ran out of printer paper a few days ago. Oops! I recalled seeing a sign in the local post office advertising reams of copy paper for $4.99 until the end of October. Today is Oct 31!
Lightning trip to the post office!
During the drive home f rom the post office, I had to brake hard.
Slosh-splosh-splash
… What was that? Why does my car sound like a washing machine?
So here I am posting a blog once more after several years (I think) without a peep out of me. I had allowed this pleasure to be taken from me, because of various situations in my life, and not wanting to allow certain people a window into my life anymore.
Recently, I decided that to do that was giving those people way too much power over my life, when in fact, they should have none. So I’m returning to this love of documenting my life. I’m taking back my power and going back to posting on my blog about my life, my dreams and my journey, because it is something I love to do and that should bedone. It’s for me, primarily, but if others get pleasure from reading my posts, then that’s good, too.
This morning I woke up in a flat panic, as is quite often the case for me. I suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, (GAD) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and Bipolar Mood Disorder (BPMD) and a range of other physical disabilities which have been a part of my life, probably since my late teens to early twenties.
I could probably write reams about how I have come to be affected by so many mental health issues, but that would defeat the purpose of this blog, which is to document my journey as I give myself persmission to dream, hope and reclaim my life.
I was diagnosed with BPMD shortly after my 52nd birthday and it was as though with that diagnosis, the pieces of a puzzle began to fit together and I had an explanation for years of erratic, and oftentimes dangerous behaviour. Dangerous to my physical health, and dangerous to my financial security. When I was first diagnosed, I was in the depths of a low mood episode. I had often been told that I suffered from clinical depression, in the past, but the doctor I went to with that particular low, for some reason, decided to ask me if I had ever experienced the polar opposite of these lows. She went on to elaborate, by describing typical manic behaviours. I recognized those behaviours immediately. They were my behaviours.
The doctor expressed astonishment that I had reached the age of 52 and no one had ever suggested that I may be bipolar before.
GAD and PTSD have been with me most of my life. I can’t recall a time when I was not beset with fear of some kind. Suffice to say, they are down to various abuses suffered in my childhood.
The physical disabilities include osteoarthritis, fibromyalgia and spondyloarthropathy, all of which cause varying degrees of pain, fatigue and issues with mobility and mental acuity.
Reading all of this, one might think that I may as well give up on having any kind of a life, since I have so much to contend with on a daily basis. Trust me, I have thought that myself sometimes, and indeed, put myself on the scrapheap a few years ago, thinking that I would be reliant on disability support for the rest of my life and that was that. I’d been forced to reign from my job due to my illness. My marriage of 23 years was over. I nearly caused an accident at 100kmph on the motorway on my way home on the last day that I worked my last regular job. I was, quite frankly at that time, a complete basket case.
So, to today, and this blog.
Things have changed a bit. I have received treatment for the BPMD, I have learned strategies to cope with my mood swings. I have put in place, safe-guards to protect my finances from manias. I have learned to curb and control other manic behaviours so that they don’t control me anymore.
I’m not cured. My conditions are still with me, but they are better managed today than they have ever been.
I’m working part time (very part time) a a tutor and a pet sitter. Taking on those jobs was a giant leap forward for me and whilst they don’t pay a huge amount, they do help the budget to stretch a little further than it used to. It’s not the money though, so much as the self-confidence I’ve gained, the new sense of purpose and self-esteem. The dream that someday, I might be able to hold down more regular hours and maybe no longer need the disability payments.
Tutoring has so inspired me, that I recently enrolled in a bachelor of education degree program.
I might not reach the summit of my dreams, but if I don’t pursue them, I will never know.
This morning, in the throes of that flat panic, I put on some music. A song that came up on my playlist was The Climb. I put it on loop for a few times, because the words spoke to me.
I can almost see it,
That dream I’m dreaming of
There’s a voice inside my head sayin’,
You’ll never reach it.
Every step I’m taking
Every move I make feels
lost with no direction
My faith is shaken.
But I’ve gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high
There’s always gonna be another mountain,
I’m always gonna want to make it move,
It’s always gonna be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose.
It ain’t about how fast I get there,
It ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side;
It’s the Climb!
The struggles I’m facing
the chances I’m taking
sometimes might knock me down
but no I’m not breaking
I might no know it,
but these are the moments that
I’m gonna remember most
yeah
Just keep on going
I’ve gotta be strong
just keep pushing on!
(Miley Cyrus)
In aviation, they say that attitude is one of the most important aspects of flight. If an aircraft has a ‘bad attitude,’ it’s going to lose altitude pretty soon. I like that analogy and think it applies just as much to life as it does to flight.
Today, I caught myself slipping into the very attitude I don’t want to have about turning 50. I was with a group of friends at my Fit Club after workout and people were saying how old they are. after a few people had mentioned their age, I said “I’ll be fifty in a few weeks.” But I said it with such a defeated attitude. I said it with what I guess has become the accepted ‘norm’ attitude to turning 50.
Someone pointed out that turning 50 is an achievement, and that’s when it dawned on me that the bad attitude was lurking and ready to pull down my altitude!
One quick attitude adjustment later and I reminded myself that I am planning a half-way there party!
The above quote has resonated with me ever since the first time I saw Hamlet when I was about ten years old. Back then, I had no idea of who I was, and that has remained the status quo for much of my life. I’ve always tried to be what I thought everyone else expected me to be.
This blog has undergone some changes recently. A change of theme, a change of name, a change of direction in some ways. All of it reflecting the same changes taking place in the life of its author — me.
My Life 